Building a roster of fictional baseball stars

Baseball movies are rare. Baseball television is even more elusive.

Plenty of writers and outlets have looked to assemble the best roster possible from the entertainment world. There’s often overlap from one lineup to the next. I read many of them.

Sometime in early 2023 (while watching a lot of Cheers re-runs) I started wondering what a full roster might look like filled only with baseball players pulled from the screen. Wonder grew to further thinking and then actually putting names together.

First, we have to establish a few ground rules.

1. Movies and television are equally fair game. There are far more movies to pick from, but we don’t want to rule anyone out.

2. I’m not discriminating based on gender, meaning women like Ginny Baker from Pitch or the ladies from A League of Their Own are in consideration.

3. Only fictional characters are eligible. Real players captured on screen are out. That means no Jackie Robinson from 42, no Mickey Mantle or Roger Maris from 61*, no Lou Gehrig from Pride of the Yankees, no Shoeless Joe Jackson from Eight Men Out, or many others.

4. MLB rosters consist of 26 players, so we’ll add 13 pitchers and 13 position players to keep things balanced. I’m going to do my best to keep people in their main positions where possible.

We’ll start in the outfield.

The starters: Roy Hobbs (The Natural), Willie Mays Hayes (Major League), Rex Pennebaker (Mr. 3000)

The bench: Max “Hammer” Dubois (Mr. Baseball), Bobby Rayburn (The Fan)

Hobbs and Hayes feel like obvious choices to start building our roster. Hobbs is arguably one of the best hitters ever depicted on screen anywhere and he crosses off the “respected veteran who pulls together a clubhouse” need right away, so he can slide into one of the outfield corners.

Hayes, meanwhile, brings the speed and aggressiveness combination to cover center field while giving us a legit stolen base threat in the lineup. We’re sort of drafting Mike Trout and Rickey Henderson here.

Pennebaker gets the nod for the other corner. He is an MVP candidate capable of hitting 50+ home runs and the cover athlete for video games. Okay, so he likes the spotlight a bit much but the rest balances it out. He reminds me some of Gary Sheffield.

Dubois was a force at the plate, quicker on the bases than expected, had a cannon for an arm, and brought some humor to the clubhouse. Think Vladimir Guerrero. Rayburn was basically early-career Barry Bonds before he sacrificed speed for power.

Yes, this means Pedro Cerrano (Major League) is left out but these other guys are just simply more complete players. Dennis Haysbert played both Dubois and Cerrano though, so he’s still invited to the party.

An outfield of Trout, Henderson, Sheffield, Guerrero, and Bonds would be a real solid start.

Options are more limited in the infield. Pickings at some positions were slim, particularly second and third base. First base has the most obvious depth, which forced some tougher cuts including Lou Collins from Little Big League and both first basemen from Mr. Baseball, Jack Elliot and “Rookie” (the rookie that pushes Elliott out was never actually given a name in the movie, according to IMDB credits, but considering he was played by a young Frank Thomas before he became a Hall of Famer it’s hard to ignore him).

The starters: Clu Haywood (Major League), Marla Hooch (A League of Their Own), Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez (The Sandlot), Sam Tuttle (For Love of the Game)

The bench: Kelly Leak (The Bad News Bears), Stan Ross (Mr. 3000)

Haywood is the reigning Triple Crown winner, coming off a season in which he hit .341 with 48 HR and 121 RBI, and as Harry Doyle so eloquently points out “he’s once again leading the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair.” He’s a feared hitter who fits nicely in the middle of the lineup, basically prime Jason Giambi with Don Mattingly’s mustache. As a total bonus, the character was played by former MLB pitcher Pete Vukovich.

Neither Hooch nor Rodriguez ever really had a clearly defined position defensively, so we’ll plug them into the middle infield. Both showed the contact skills to hit almost anything, with Hooch bringing the surprise power and Rodriguez the speed.

A third baseman with three straight 30/30 seasons on their resume is tough to ignore. Tuttle was finishing up another solid season in For Love of the Game, batting .300 with 39 homers and 98 RBI. That’s like an early-career Chipper Jones before he stopped stealing bases. Most people will think first about Roger Dorn (Major League) here but Tuttle is hands down the better pick to man the hot corner.

Leak’s versatility to play anywhere will come in clutch, so he’ll get a bench spot. Ross gives us a solid bat for the late innings.

Behind the plate presented more options than expected and I almost pushed to include three on the roster, but we’ll settle for carrying two catchers. This meant cutting Crash Davis from Bull Durham, who was really just a minor league lifer anyway though it’s hard to overlook his ability to work with a young pitching staff.

Other leader-types who would certainly help keep the clubhouse in line (Jake Taylor from Major League and Dottie Hinson from A League of Their Own) were also left off but maybe we can convince them to take coaching roles on this fictional team?

The starter: Mike Lawson (Pitch)

The backup: Jack Parkman (Major League II)

A perennial All-Star, team captain, and fan-favorite Lawson is kind of the perfect choice to take most of the starts behind the plate, no?

Parkman’s existence was just to be a thorn in the side of the Indians players, but it’s tough to ignore the combination of defense and power he offers. He does bring another big ego to balance.

Things get interesting on the mound. Many of these pitchers see time both as starters and relievers, so that gives us some flexibility in setting up our staff. An argument could be made to swap many of these guys around, so let’s just say these roles aren’t going to be set in stone.

The rotation: Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn (Major League), Bingo Long (The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars), Billy Chapel (For Love of the Game), Ebby Calvin “Nook” LaLoosh (Bull Durham), Steve Nebraska (The Scout)

The bullpen: Montgomery Brewster (Brewster’s Millions), Kenny Powers (Eastbound & Down), Mel Clark (Angels in the Outfield), Chet Steadman (Rookie of the Year), Ginny Baker (Pitch), Sam Malone (Cheers), Kit Keller (A League of Their Own), Ryan Dunne (Summer Catch)

Baseball was Vaughn’s reason to get out of jail (and turn his life around) while it was all Long ever wanted to do. The pair came from very different backgrounds but would make a formidable duo atop a rotation.

Chapel’s career lasted 19 seasons with a sub-3.00 ERA and he “won every award there is to win.” Maybe he doesn’t have ace-level stuff anymore but there’s definitely space on our staff for someone like him. Every staff needs a veteran anchor.

LaLoosh has the “million dollar arm” that helped him skyrocket through the minors. Nebraska is a strikeout machine with a fastball that makes Aroldis Chapman’s look slow. Neither is going to inspire any academic achievements, but that’s not a big piece of what we’re doing here anyway.

Powers, assuming he’s willing to be a good teammate, likely gives us a closer. Brewster and Malone (sure, he was a little homer-prone) have the experience to probably slide into a setup role. In a short show-within-a-show kind of moment Malone even “closes out” a commercial for should-be-HOFer Luis Tiant (S1:E13).

Dunne gives us a lefty specialist. “The Duke” from Major League might have been a choice here, but he’s exceptionally wild and we never really learned much beyond that about him.

Clark, Steadman, Baker, and Keller might not be the most traditional relief arms but they all bring a certain level of grit and competitiveness that makes them fits in middle relief.

Finally, a coaching staff. I wasn’t going to focus too deeply on this part of our roster but there are some good options to consider. Lou Brown (Major League) is surely the obvious choice but some consideration to manage the club should also go to Jimmy Dugan (with an assist from Hinson, A League of Their Own), Uchiyama (Mr. Baseball), and maybe even George Knox (Angels in the Outfield).

Our final lineup and pitching staff:

• Hayes, CF

• Pennebaker, LF

• Hobbs, DH

• Haywood, 1B

• Dubois, RF

• Tuttle, 3B

• Lawson, C

• Hooch, 2B

• Rodriguez, SS

Bench: Leak, Rayburn, Ross, Parkman

• Chapel, SP

• Vaughn, SP

• Long, SP

• LaLoosh, SP

• Nebraska, SP

Bullpen: Powers, Brewster, Malone, Dunne, Clark, Steadman, Baker, Keller

This team just might win a few games. Maybe. They would at least be really fun to watch.